The Weight on my Shoulders
by krwlngmieskeen
Summary: Dean sits down and thinks about exact moments of his hard life that are and were related to Sam. It contains angst!worried!Dean. If you like it, review it, please! Or flames will chase you down! Nah, kidding, but please.


**Hello there! I'm back with another one-shot. Sorry, I want to show you more of my ideas but right now I'm looking for them, a good one so I can write a long fic about it. **

**But for now, I bring you this one-shot about Dean's thoughts. You know, sometime he sits down and thinks about everything that's been happening so far.**

**Hope I don't get ya'll bored, I only want you to enjoy it :) so thanks to everybody who reads!**

**And... I thank the people who reviewed my first fic! And to "Lulu", just wanted to let you know that my intention wasn't to spoil anybody, I only wrote the title of the 7x03 episode, which is all over the internet so I didn't say anything "prohibited", if I can say. I didn't even know what it was going to be about, so.**

**Well, let's just start ;)**

_**The Weight on my Shoulders**_

Damn, I feel so lost lately. I feel like life is laughing at me, like if it was waiting for me to suffer more and more, getting things worse in front of my eyes. I know I deserve some punishment for some stuff I did but... this much? C'mon. I thought, back then, when we were with Castiel and he returned all the souls to Purgatory, that it was going to be the end of everything. I mean, Lucifer was long gone, any angelical douchebag was around, Castiel was the old Cass again. I thought we could have the possibility to lay low for a while, but no. Life's always finding a way to make us continue with our bad luck. Leviathan, seriously? This has to be a joke. Now those sons of bitches are gonna make our lives impossible, more than they already are.

But what's worse is that...Leviathans are not what keeps me running out of tranquility. It's Sam. I knew that the fact that his wall was broken was going to bring me problems, but I just can't take it easy. His hallucinations are worrying me every single second. I'm afraid of what he can do, what he can think.

"_You know that he's not real" - "He says the same thing about you"_

Even though I tried to hide every kind of feeling that could show up on my face when I heard that sentence, I won't deny I felt like stabbed. My brother's mind was being controlled by a freaking hallucination, something that is _not_ real. The only thing I was afraid of is that he's too blind that he cannot believe anything I say. That he believes "Lucifer" instead of me. That was killing me on the inside.

I always thought Sam was strong enough to face anything. Even though I was never going to leave him alone and that I was always there to protect him, I knew he was a fighter, that he wasn't going to give up easily. But now the situations are telling me something different. I see him so weak, so confused, so lost. I can't help to ask if he's okay or not everytime he just flies away from a conversation. And what's worse is that I can't do anything about it, even if I'd tried anything to help him, I can't. It's just a... matter of time, I guess. But it destroys me to see him like that.

But I guess I have to pay for that, don't I? I was the one with the idea to bring his soul back, even though anybody agreed. But I knew I was doing the right thing.

I'd rather Sam goes through this than suffering forever in Hell. C'mon, you have to tell me it's better this way. It's much less suffering for him, and I know he would agree.

I just couldn't be with the souless douchebag any longer. That guy wasn't my brother, he was some kind of motionless freak. I was afraid of him, he didn't feel anything for anyone, he didn't care if he had to waste the half of the world just to hunt a monster.

"_Are you coming with me?" – "No, I'll go back for Lisa and Ben"_

Why did I say no for starters? Because there was something wrong going on, I felt it. I felt it when I hugged him, when I first saw him after a whole damn year. There was something in his eyes, in his gaze... that guy wasn't _my_ Sammy. When I embraced him, it just... I can't explain, it just didn't feel like him. I thought it was some kind of crazyness of mine. I mean, I was mad because he hid the truth, he was supposedly back, and me, going through the worst year of my life without him, knowing that he was suffering down there. But then I realized what was really happening. I damned myself cuz I didn't figure it out before. Sammy was still there, and I was trapped with a robot.

I had to bring him back and nobody understood that. I missed him, God knows how much. I wanted to save him, and I knew how so I wasn't going to drop a big chance. And I don't regret it. Perhaps, they didn't understand me because they didn't know how it really felt, to lose the most important person in your life, knowing that he's not _resting in peace_. They don't love Sam the way I do, and they never will. I just couldn't go on without him, not even being with Lisa and Ben. I won't deny I loved them so much, they were like my family, but the way I love Sam is not compared to that. (Of course, that's something he'll never know)

"_It's the closest to happiness I've never seen a hunter get"_

Happiness? Seriously? Bobby was so wrong, and if I didn't deny it when he said it, it was because I was blocked out. Out of words, of thoughts. Happiness? Like I said to him, I was gettin' drunk too often, I had thousands of nightmares, imagining Sam down there screaming my name. I was remembering him all the time, in every action I made. The person I've shared my moments with during my whole life was gone, and you call that "happiness"?

Sometimes I look back and ask myself _"How could I let him say "yes" to Lucifer?"_ I just can't understand. That didn't sound like me. The real Dean would've fought 'till the end, looking for another choice, completely against that idea. But I guess I didn't feel like myself back then either. I knew I was going lo lose him, I knew there was a possibility, big one, that I was never going to see him again, so why did I let him? It's true. It saved the world... but I don't care about the world. I only care about my little brother, the only one who's been there to support me, no matter what happened. It's the only person I'd give my life for (something I already did). So I just can't understand. When I saw him jump, I wished I could stand up, run to him and pull him back to me. But my legs weren't responding, my sight was blurry. I couldn't do anything... When he fell, he took my soul with him. He took my everything with him, everything I ever was... he took it. In the moment he disappeared in front of my eyes I... I wanted to die. I didn't want to keep living without him.

Back then, I remembered when he died in my arms. I saw the light going out of his eyes, with no chance for him to say goodbye. It was all so fast. I remembered my desperate tone, screaming at him to keep him awake, to keep him with me. But all those tries were in vain. He was as cold as ice, and that froze me from head to toe. I had to face it, he was dead. I couldn't do no more than hug him and cry. Gosh, I've never been so sad in my life except that moment. Not even when Dad died I went through this kind of endless grief. When Dad died I was pissed, confused, of course sad but mostly lost and desperate. But with Sam? I felt like if I was skined alive. Like if someone took my soul out of my body and stepped on it, hundreds of times. I was twisted, torn, broken... That's why I did what I did. I knew I was going to be hated for that. That I was doing something so selfish... In the moment I met the crossroad demon, asking her to bring Sam back and offering my soul, I remembered what I said to that guy we saved from the deal once. That guy who made it to save his wife.

"_I did this for her" – "you sure about that? I think you did it for yourself, so you wouldn't have to live without her. But guess what, she's gonna have to live without you now"_

When I said that, I was so mad at my Dad, because that's what he did. He died for me and I couldn't take it, I simply couldn't. But when Sam was dead I... I could understand that man, even if it was wrong. I knew it was going to bring me problems, I knew that at the end of that year I wouldn't want to die, that I'd be scared. I knew I was going to make Sam feel the same way I felt about Dad, and I damned myself for that... but it didn't matter. He was going to be alive, and that's all that mattered for me...

Despite all I suffered down there, every single second screaming for mercy, feeling how I was tortured, despite all those months (years for me) I'll never forget and that will hunt me 'till I'm dead (even then), I'd do that deal again. I wouldn't even doubt... I'd just do it. Because it's my job, my responsability to keep Sam alive, to keep him safe. And even though he's not the same kid anymore, that innocent kid I used to be with, he's still my brother and I'm still watching out for him. Like I said to him, it's who I am. As long as he's around, no matter how bad the situation is, I'll still have the strength enough to keep going, to never give up. With him, this hard life of a hunter is much enjoyable. Without him, I have no longer a reason to be the man I am now...

**Pfffffffff. I know, I know! Sorry, I'm still searching for a good idea! Haha :P**

**Just read this and tell me what you think. It's like I tried to get deep into Dean's head and read his gazes in several moments, so I could try to decode his so well-hidden feelings, huh?**

**R&R please! That will make a little girl SMIIIIILEEEE! :)**


End file.
